Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Respectful spouses...

There is something that really irks me. I know not all of you will agree, but I'm going to share anyway.

I hate it when I see a couple where each person does whatever they please, with no regard to the other person. I am talking about a married couple, as I do think there is a difference when dating and when married.

I, personally, feel that it is disrespectful to simply tell your spouse "I am going here, at this time, I will be back when I am back". Or, as I have seen happen sometimes, one person simply does something without even telling the other.

I ask my husband how he feels about me doing something. Do I need his permission, no...but do I want to know that he is okay with me going somewhere and do I want him to feel as though I respect him and his wishes, yes. I also expect the same from my husband. 

With six kids, work, school, blogging, etc. etc., our schedule can get crazy and if we were to skip asking one another about doing something, we could potentially create chaos with our schedule. This is another reason why we don't just "do what we want". 

Overall, whatever works for you and your marriage is what is right for you and your spouse...but it saddens me to see a couple where one person is affected by a disrespectful spouse who disregards the other partner when it comes to doing something outside their home and marriage.

There are also some things that I think invite trouble into a marriage. I think going to a bar, or drinking, without your spouse is a poor choice. Alcohol does not leave a person in the best state of mind and can most definitely cause you to let your self do something that you wouldn't if you weren't under the influence. Another thing is "hanging out" with the opposite gender. My husband is my best friend. I used to have a male best friend. When my husband and I started dating, I thought it was out of line that he expected me not to be friends with a person I had been friends with years before he came into the picture, but then I thought about how hurt I would be if he was close friends with a girl. I struggled with this for a while, but eventually my decision was made for me, and now I couldn't imagine having a best friend other than my husband. Both of these things relate to respecting your spouse; do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Am I the perfect wife? No....but do I try my best, yes. I respect my husband (even if at times he doesn't see that, I really do)! I try to do what I can to make him feel happy and secure in our marriage, and he does the same for me. My husband isn't "whipped", he respects me and is respectful of my feelings (most of the time, anyhow). I think this is the way marriage should work...and it works for us.

If you are married, do you ask your spouse to do something? What are your thoughts on this topic?

16 fantastic comments:

The Smiths said...

I ask my husband because I also hate seeing disrespect in marriages and I want my husband to know that I respect him in that way. In the Bible wives are commanded to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives. It makes it a lot easier for your husband to shower you with love if you show him respect. You can even disagree and still be respectful. It's a matter of attitude.

Kristy @Loveandblasphemy said...

I have read before that a good rule of thumb for marriages and opposite sex friendship is that you can have friends of the opposite sex, but you do not do things alone with them, only groups.

Julia said...

I absolutely agree with your post! I was lucky enough to have a very respectful and non critical husband. He has taught me a lot in our years together.
We are almost done raising our 5 kids (one left now) it was a lot easier to do with both parties being respectful of each other.
Following from the blog hop. :D



Unknown said...

I couldn't agree with you more! Loved your post! I have been blogging about a marital devotional and I have to say I really enjoyed reading today :)

LadyGen said...

I absolutely agree. There are some exceptions, as there always are to every rule. This is actually very much applies to life right now, and I would LOVE to get opinions on the situation, but I know in your comments isn't exactly the appropriate place. That said, I don't know where the appropriate place is (and my facebook wall, with everybody we know, isn't it).

Closer to Lucy said...

No permission needed your grown but It's about respect.

I agree that the bible does say wives are commanded to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives...but it then goes on to say love your wife as Jesus did the church.

I take that to mean above everything...I doon't see the almighty disrespecting the church.

Six in the Nest said...

Thanks for all the feedback! I am glad that most agree, but even if you don't that is okay. There are many variables in a relationship, but I really do feel that respect for one another is one of the most important factors in staying married.

LadyGen, you could post on SITN's facebook wall, or ask here, either is fine. :)

Katrina said...

I've been married almost 19 years. My husband and I have nine children, and our marriage has had trials (we overcame them!) and challenges (we won each of them!) and I'm here to say that marriage is a gift - when it is done right. How is it done right? By mutual respect. Early in our marriage...we had to learn how to respect each other. My husband was the first of all of his single buddies to get married. Those buddies kept trying to pull him back into their world by inviting him to Happy Hour, to nights out at the club, things like that. My husband had a very hard time with the peer pressure...wanting to keep one foot on each side of the fence. He would go out maybe once or twice a week to "have a few beers" with the guys. He'd get home past midnight. I had a very hard time with that. I was at home with a baby, and he was out? He should be home with his family. But he didn't see it that way. He felt that after working hard he deserved a night out once or twice a week - even if it made me upset. The respect just wasn't there. It hurt me. What I did to fix this was a bit immature, but it worked: I started marking down the days and hours he spent out with his friends. And I began matching his days/hours to the minute with my single girl friends. If he had two nights out from 6- midnight on the calendar, I would match that by being out with my friends. I would go out to the movies, and sometimes to the bars and clubs... Sure enough, after a while of this, he admitted that he didn't like me out there like that; that I was a married woman and did not belong out there in the single scene anymore. Once he "felt" what I felt...he understood. And then he finally came over to the right side of the fence! After that, he had the occasional fishing trip once or twice a year with his buddies, but bars and clubs were gone for good. Unless I was with him. It has never been a problem since then.

There have been a few things I've done that were not respectful over the years. These things usually were about spending our money without telling him! I saw nothing wrong with buying a darling new dresser or bunk bed for the girls' room. I bought it, didn't think anything of it. When the bill came in, my husband freaked. He was angry that I did not discuss it with him first. Again, that boils down to respect.

Whenever I want to do something like go out to the movies with my girl friends, I say something like this: "Hun...tomorrow night all the girls are going to see a movie and I've been invited." and I leave it like that. He will always say, "Oh, sound like fun! You should go!" and then when a fishing trip comes up, he puts it almost exactly the same way...."Next month there is an day trip that the guys are putting together....do we have anything going on that day? I'd like to go. What do you think?"

I think that being respectful is very important in marriage. Your post is right-on.

I'm following you from The Middle Matters blog hop :) Have a wonderful Wednesday!


Madeline said...

I agree to a point.

I don't believe it's disrespectful at all, when you say it in a respectful manner.

My husband and I simply say " I want to go here, do we have anything planned?" I don't believe my husband needs my permission, we ask solely to make sure that that time frame is okay.

We don't disregard each other at all.

If I were to say to my husband "I really have an issue with that" than he wouldn't go.

Unknown said...

With my husband and I we try to plan our what needs to be done ahead of time. Whether we can do it together or not. Pretty much just letting each other know our plans for the week or couple of days. I have been to the bar 1 time, not to drink but to play poker with all of our mutual friends while he was at work. He was fine with this, but I missed him being there so I didn't go solo again. I agree that going to drink at the bar without your spouse is disrespectful. We have a pretty good relationship and respect one another.

By the way, I'm your newest follower from Coffee and their Kisses. I found you at Mommy Reviews for the lower your Alexa rating hop.

Mariah @ FormulaMom.com said...

I was just stopping by from the Alexa hop but I'm so glad I did and had the chance to read this post!

Sometimes my dear husband will just be getting ready to go somewhere and I'm left pondering what his plans are! I'm not looking to give him permission, but it's nice to know where to send the authorities looking should he never return! :)


Darcy said...

We don't do much separately but do check to make sure there isn't a scheduling conflict. I don't have an issue with my hubby going to a bar if he's going with a group from work or his brothers... plus I know he's too shy even when intoxicated! lol

Dropping by on the Alexa hop & new follower
~Darcy @ Tales From the Nursery~

Lorie Shewbridge said...

This is truly an amazing post. My first marriage was to an emotional and mental abuser who started to become a physical abuser - NO respect there what-so-ever! He would do whatever he wanted while I was at home taking care of 2 small children and his very ill grandfather.
I finally got the strength (from some extremely loving friends) to leave him and years later met a man who truly knows the meaning of respect for women. He learned that from HIS father, and he helped me teach it to my two sons.
We don't usually do things separately, we actually have to encourage each other to spend time with friends alone (I have a book club I participate in monthly) just so we keep our relationship fresh. But when we do want to do something we would never, ever think of just telling each other that we were going or doing something. We discus everything we do together or alone, it is the right thing to do.
BTW, I shared your post on FB and Twitter because it touched me so much.

Sadie said...

We aren't married, because gay marriage isn't legal here in Missouri yet, but we consult each other before doing things. We don't ask permission but I will say "I want to go to Jenny's, wanna keep the kids for a while?" and she'll say yes, or if she has something to do she will help me come up with a new plan.

Neither of us drink.

Anonymous said...

I feel it is disrespectful to have my wife "ask permission" to do something..

Callie said...

My husband and I keep each other abreast of what we're each doing, but it's never asking. For example, he'll say, "I'm planning to go to ____'s house tonight." I'll either say, "Cool," or "We were going to do ____." If there's no other plan, there's no reason why he shouldn't go hang with someone, and same for me. There will always be another night to just hang out together, and we encourage each other's friendships because fulfilling friendships are a blessing and an important part of life. Some of our friends are mutual, some aren't, and that's great.

Something I strongly disagree with about this post is having opposite-sex best friends. My best friend is a man, and we hang out alone and I have even slept over at his place alone. We also hang out with my husband, and he and my husband hang out alone too. My husband and I trust each other not to suddenly sleep with our friends. Not only do I love my husband too much to ever hurt him or our relationship like that, but my friend has too much respect for our relationship as well. If your opposite sex friends don't respect your relationship and monogamy as much as your same sex friends then they aren't really being friends to you. Moreover, if you aren't capable of respecting your own relationship, or your partner can't respect your friendships, that--to me--is indicative of other issues.

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